Academy Announces Hunting Season
New Hampshire is boring. If you haven’t realized that yet, congratulations; you’ll probably have your spirit broken in a couple months when winter hits. But really, there’s not much to do here. You can go into the woods and like, walk, I guess. You could do homework in D^2, or you could do homework in the library, or do homework in Me and Ollies. Or, if you’re looking to get really crazy, you could do homework on the quad. It’s really no wonder they put this school here—it’s the perfect place to take all the spirit out of kids and turn them into overworked and sleep deprived machines.
Luckily, the academy decided to liven things up a little bit this year. At exactly 11:38 AM on Wednesday morning, Director of Campus Safety and Risk Management, Paul Gravel, sent out an email revealing that Student Hunting Season would be starting on October 2nd through November 3rd.
While the notice is appreciated, part of me is concerned that Gravel is giving himself a leg up in the sport. Instructing students to both wear bright clothing as well as follow marked trails, I just don’t see how it’s fair to the rest of us, much less fair to those of us who decided to splurge a bit on night vision goggles. Additionally, Big Paulie G told students that the proper course of action is to report any encounters with hunters to Campus Safety immediately. To be honest, this feels like a gross misuse of power, fueled by a self-serving administration that aims to keep its hunting license for one more year.
Fortunately, students seem to be focusing more on the game than Gravel’s tactless effort at winning before the season had even started. Camouflage seems to be on the rise among the student body, with most of them aiming to hide themselves in bushes in between frees and classes. Just the other day, a kid in my math class came to class in a ghillie suit, saying that if I wanted to escape the hunt, I would have to learn to become one with nature too. Some students have decided to stay in their dorms for the entire month, considering a few dickies better than having to sprint to class like a gazelle running from a lion that hasn’t eaten in days. Others, including whole dorms, have decided to view the event as both good exercise and a way to exert their dominance over the campus. An anonymous senior is quoted saying, “Yeah, we joined. Our dorm doesn’t really do too many events, so we took advantage of the situation and decided to join the hunt. Besides, I live for danger.”
Faculty response has been a mixed bag. Most teachers have engaged in protests, saying that, “it’s not fair to have just one month, turkey hunters get like three and it’s not even hard.” Others think the very existence of the season to be unlawful, but figure it can’t be that much worse than five hours of homework every night.
Other teachers seem to be more on board with the whole shebang. An anonymous lower recounted that, “the other day [they] talked about the hunt in Ethics class...while [the teacher] chased [them] around campus.” English teachers, on the other hand, can’t seem to stop themselves from quoting Richard Connell’s, “The Most Dangerous Game,” a famous short story about a hunter hunting another hunter. Personally, I think the most dangerous game is actually showing up to class on three hours of sleep, ten cups of coffee, and no homework finished, but whatever.
Finally, Principal Rawson has stated that he only plans to hunt for one day out of the whole season. He says he plans to use Principal’s Day then, so as to give students the best chance at escape. While I plan to be as far away from this school as possible on that day, I pray for the rest of campus.