The Smoothie: An Exhaustive Examination

One of the fads among vegans, vegetarians, and normal human beings is the smoothie. But what really are smoothies? Well, there are many definitions. A smoothie is considered to be a drinkable blended mix of various materials, which means there are many kinds of smoothies. An example is the vegan fruit smoothie, filled with delicious, partially edible ingredients and, if you’re lucky, fruit. There’s also vegetable smoothies, filled with sadness and disturbingly large roots. But what other smoothies could there be? 

Take ketchup. Ketchup is known as a “condiment” among unlearnèd men. However, our years of research has led us to a different conclusion. First, most semi-intelligent animals are aware that tomatoes are a fruit. And what are the main ingredients of ketchup? It is made from tomatoes, sugar, vinegar and seasonings. Ketchup is clearly a form of the vegan fruit smoothie. 

A common misconception is that a smoothie must contain some form of dairy.

 However, this is blatantly false. If this were true, vegan smoothies simply would not exist, as all dairy comes from cows and animals. Vegan smoothies often use fruits and vegetables, to be purêëd with some form of nut milk. Some people would say that nut milk is a form of dairy, as the name contains the word milk, however this would go against the point of milk in the first place. It’s meant to be produced by a mammalian mother to give nutrients to their young before they can eat, and unless my biology class was a little screwy, nuts are neither animals nor mammals, therefore, nut milk is not milk.

Now that your brain has been expanded, what other smoothies could there be? We’ve already argued that smoothies don’t require milk, but most ice creams are synthetically made. Take ice cream milkshakes, which are nothing more than ice cream smoothies. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Well, if we take that concept of melted ice cream and we apply it elsewhere, we can make the argument that any ice cream is just a solidified milk smoothie.” And you would be correct. Ice cream on a cone? A smoothie in a bread bowl. Popsicles? Smoothies on a stick.

There is also another type of smoothie, well-known throughout the bodybuilder community (which, if you’ve seen our beautiful physiques, you’d know we’re authorities on this topic), the protein smoothie, for which the easiest recipe is simply putting raw eggs in a blender. Now, what other things do we make from eggs? Consider what would happen if you, for once, woke up sufficiently before classes in order to pick up some breakfast from d-hall. Perhaps you would walk down the hot food line and see “Gete and Perry’s Scrambled Eggs”. Now that your brain has grown to the size of a galaxy, you can surely see where this is going: Scrambled eggs are merely a cooked smoothie.

But wait! There’s more! For all you adults out there who haven’t burned your copy of The Exonian by this point, I bet that you all have enjoyed a cold glass of beer at some point. But surprise! Beer is simply a fermented wheat and yeast smoothie, and as wheat is a vegetable, beer is a vegetable smoothie made of wheat.

We hope we’ve expanded your comprehension of the smoothie world. Like Emmanuel’s op-eds,we’ll be back next week with an even longer and less comprehensible article, this time about the “cube rule.”