The Different Types of Tea

Our glorious campus is drowning in tea. We find it in our dorm rooms, in Grill.... and in our coffee. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Coffee and tea have been on opposing sides for many years. Many debates have sprung up over which is the superior drink, and to say that one is a part of the other is to say that Hong Kong is a part of China. Well, as Ben Shapiro says, facts don’t care about your feelings. So let’s examine this concept more carefully.

Today, we shall examine why coffee is a type of tea.

First, we must define our terms. Most tea is made by infusing hot water with the tea leaves. However, herbal tea, a subcategory of tea, is made by infusing water with the flavor of any plant material. For example, reishi mushroom tea, which doesn’t contain any leaf material.

Today, we shall examine why coffee is a type of tea. What type of tea, you may ask? Herbal. Now, the coffee bean, which is derived from the Turkish word kahveh, is the seed of the coffee tree. Therefore, it is plant material. And since it is brewed in the same way as tea, coffee is indeed tea. Therefore, coffee is made by grinding plant material and infusing it with water. Now, to the ignorant man, these methods may result in two different types of drink. However, for the learned man, it’s simply two sides of the same teabag.

With an extension of the same flawless logic, soups that have high vegetable content should also be tea. Take for example, the long misnomered carrot soup. Since carrots make up the bulk of this broth, carrot “soup” shall from henceforth be considered carrot tea, a finer drink than soup.

In addition, let’s look at the historical usage of the word tea. Back when people were poorer, there was a drink known as beef tea (google it) which is still currently drunk in some cultures. Beef tea is water brewed with the flavor of cooked beef, and to the learned man, beef tea is clearly not a tea because beef is not plant material.

However, for the galaxy brain man, we must add a third subcategory to the category of tea. For a lack of better term, let’s call it meat tea, the category for tea brewed with animal material.

There has been a large misconception regarding the total extent of the word “tea” and in order to protect the integrity of our language, we must understand that all liquids with substantial vegetable content must be considered as herbal tea. All liquids with substantial meat content must be considered as meat tea, including broth. For liquids in which there is a relatively equal amount of both animal and plant content, one must consider it either a blend, a fusion, or a fourth category.

To give some examples, a vanilla bean latte is a three bean tea. Cucumber soup is herbal tea, milk is meat tea, and paper is simply a solidified herbal tea.

That’s it for now, and next week we will bring to the hungry masses the correct usage of the word “smoothie”.