Pre-Superbowl Quotations
Buffalo Bills: “Like Green Bay, but one degree warmer, without public ownership…and with 4 Super Bowl losses, instead of wins.”
Miami Dolphins: “We still have the only real perfect season.”
New England Patriots: “John Hannah, who’s John Hannah?”
New York Jets: “If Giants fans get salmon and capers on their bagels, we say ‘[redacted] you and your bagel.”
Baltimore Ravens: “But…Ray Lewis!”
Cincinnati Bengals: “Ya know, Paul Brown coached us, too…our helmets are pretty cool, right?”
Cleveland Browns: “We will never admit that we are only relevant for our ineptitude.”
Oakland Raiders: “We’re real tough until our stadium renovation plan is denied.”
Dallas Cowboys: “No, the huge Jumbotron is not compensating for something.”
Philadelphia Eagles: “What’s a good excuse to start a riot?”
Washington Redskins: “If you erase the past thirty years, we’d look like a really good franchise.”
Detroit Lions: “Yes, championships pre-Super-Bowl-era are the same thing.”
Green Bay Packers: “Because we own useless stock in our team, we get to be self-righteous about it.”
Minnesota Vikings: “All we need is the Purple People Eaters defense from the 60s, Fran Tarkenton from the 70s, and Cris Carter and Randy Moss from the 90s.”
Carolina Panthers: “Cam Newton is accurate enough, we swear.”
Arizona Cardinals: “Forget building a consistent team let’s take advantage of Larry Fitzgearld’s good will again.”
Los Angeles Rams: “Oh, NOW you love us.”
San Francisco 49ers: “Having Montana and Young excuses us for passing on childhood fans like Brady and Rodgers.”
Seattle Seahawks: “We were actually a pretty cool fanbase until we got good…now we’re obnoxious.”
Atlanta Falcons: “There’s more to us than 28-3: we’re also really good at making this humor writer cry.”