Mark Zuckerberg’s Diary

Dear Diary,

This sucks. This suckity suckity sucks. Back at Exeter, when I spoke 17m languages and lived in a dorm that nobody could even find, life was great. Then I had to go to Harvard and make Facebook. All I wanted to do was muzz answers off of my classmates. I should’ve just gone to my art history class...Now here I am, in the middle of a lawsuit!

At my hearing, they’re asking me really hard questions to trip me up. For starters, they asked me how a company could make money without charging people to use the service! For a second I didn’t know the answer to that one, because they were really pushing me there. These old people clearly know their stuff when it comes to technology. Thankfully I remembered that our website runs on ad revenue; that was something they would’ve never known. Then they asked me about sending emails on WhatsApp. I didn’t even know you could send emails on WhatsApp! I guess I’m just better at creating technology than I thought. Finally, one of the senators asked me to identify which ads he showed me were created by Russians. That one was easy, because obviously I know the source of every single Facebook post ever created. But I didn’t want him to know which ones were the Russians, so I just played it off as if I don’t go on messenger and laugh at peoples’ memes.

I’m so tired. I just want to go back to Exeter where everyone loved me. It’s too bad I’ve made literally no contact whatsoever since  I became rich. Oh well. Those kids will never be as good as me, except all the new uppers. They’re chill.

XOXOXOX,

Markie Mark