Health Center runs Out of Ibuprofen and Ice, Has No Choice but to Shut Down

The Lamont Health and Wellness Center has officially closed its doors as of yesterday, after running out of Ibuprofen and ice. Nevertheless, those who wish to “fatigue” a class may climb up the side of the building and squeeze through a narrow opening in a window of the Sun Room, where they’ll inevitably run into some kid with whom they had an English class a year ago.

“I don’t really know how this happened,” one confused nurse told us. “All I know is that all these kids kept coming in and they wouldn’t stop…crying. They cited many different reasons for their tears, such as the new Snapchat update and the lack of a Humor Page in last week’s issue of The Exonian.

“But, perhaps, the most haunting of all, we’ve seen some especially tired-looking kids in recent weeks—I mean, these kids were barely functioning, couldn’t even speak in coherent sentences. They just kept shaking their heads, muttering the words ‘carotid,’ ‘subclavian,’ ‘brachiocephalic,’ over and over again….anyway, we gave everyone Ibuprofen and ice to help them feel better.”

The nurse was not allowed to disclose her professional background or her medical training. However, when asked, she dug out a single sheet of crumpled paper on which the words “Ibuprofen, ice” were written in “Razzmatazz” colored crayon.

She then flipped the paper over, revealing the plans for the newest installment of health center art—a grainy photograph of a mountain goat wearing a traffic cone on its head, perched on a minimalistic armchair.

After the interview, she disappeared into one of those mysterious little rooms that just have a bunch of files in them. She has not been seen since.