Phelps Academy Center Pipe Burst: an Inside Job
Late last week, The Exonian received some shocking intel about the recent burst pipe and resulting indoor waterfall on the second floor of the Phelps Academy Center. What was initially thought to be something caused by cold weather mixed with wear-and-tear piping, in reality, was an INSIDE JOB.
Our sources tell us that the pipe was burst not by the weather, but by Emily Pelliccia, Editor-in-Chief of The Exonian, herself. This may be shocking to our faithful readers, but if you follow the money trail, it all makes sense.
In an exclusive Humor Page interview, Pelliccia told us that, “Why would I burst the pipes? Just look at the funds! It was a slow news week, and the paper wasn’t going to sell for peanuts. All of a sudden, BOOM! Last minute indoor waterfall! Now forget the politics, forget the scandals, THAT is a story that will sell across partisan lines.”
Shocked at her words, we pushed for more information.
“I’ll tell you,” she said, a bubble-blowing smoking pipe in her mouth, “It’s all about the economy. The ebb and flow. The boom and bust. In our capitalist society, you can be a cat, or you can be a mouse. I chose to be a cat. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I just gotta look out for my people.”
The 139th Exonian board was rocked by this greed-fueled, pipe-watergate scandal. Managing Editor Erica Hogan told us, “I can’t believe this happened. I never expected this kind of nefarious behavior from our fearless leader, our captain, our chief. Woe is me. Woe is The Exonian.”
Other Managing Editor and Pelliccia-backer Claire Jutabha confessed that, “I know this looks ugly. Heck, I feel sleazy just being a part of this operation. But you know what, at the end of the day, business is business... No, Emily did not bribe me with Grill cookies to stay quiet. I refuse to answer anymore questions. Ca-caw.”
“In reflection,” News editor Arielle Lui told us, “One must wonder–if The Exonian, the peak of modern journalism, is fueled by lies and scandal, can we really trust anyone?”
This event clearly shows that journalism, at its heart, is a zero-sum-game, and that we all are just merely surviving in this corrupt world, trapped inside a downward spiral, caught in the cruel animal of an invisible-hand-controlled capitalist marketplace without enough checks and balances at its core. We are stuck on a roller coaster that we never bought tickets for. Enjoy the ride, readers, consumers, and news-venture-capitalists alike.