Ten Things that Donald Trump is Going to do in His First Hundred Days

1. Appoint himself to the Supreme Court. When other Supreme Court justices start dying under mysterious circumstances, he’ll also appoint Vladimir Putin, Mike Pence, and an actual turtle

2. Declare war on Big Timber, Montana, despite the town only having a population of 1,650 and being in America

3. Offer lots and lots of internships

4. Paint the white house “A lighter shade of white.”

5. Make the NSA hack into Twitter and delete all of his old tweets

6. Legally change his name to Big Daddy Donald Trump

7. Sell Alaska back to Russia

8. Resign (please?)

If you want to see the real article, before it got censored please contact Billy at wohandley@exeter.edu. We promise that it’s worth your time.