Lack of Fiber Leads to Napkins in Diet

The Lamont Health Center recently released a statement that concluded that approximately 72.43168 percent of Exonians lack fiber in their diet. Fiber, often found in nature in the form of bark, prevents diverticular disease and is even speculated to reduce the risk of colon cancer. In order to alleviate the fiber epidemic on campus, Wetherell has taken to placing the brown paper napkins, typically found on walls throughout the dining hall, on the hot line.

“This is great!” enthused lower Charles Bingley. “My mom used to make brown paper napkins at least once a week at home. This makes me feel a greater sense of belonging at Exeter.” Bingley explained that his family’s personal recipe had been passed down for at least three generations. “It tastes exactly the same. Imagine that.”

Still, others aren’t satisfied by the taste. Several reviews of the napkins on the food rating smartphone application mentioned that the napkins had too much tang. “I can’t handle it,” said sensitive person Majestick Terhune. “I’d like to say that I have the average palette for spiciness, and these napkins are just too hot to handle.”

Some believe that there are better solutions to the fiber crisis. “Sure, serving napkins at the dining hall will encourage some to take on a healthier diet, but there’s a way to kill two birds with one stone,” stated genius Megan Campbell. “When you get a bad test back—heck, even when you’re given a test to take in class, eat it. Ignore threats of ink poisoning. This way everyone’s fiber is in check and people who want to avoid inevitable failure can do so.”

Because early college applications can also be a cause of constipation issues, Elm will withhold from serving brown paper napkins until the Lamont Health Center releases another statement.