Diary Entry: The Serpent

Dear Diary,

Okay, so maybe I have a crush on a girl. I’ve read all the magazines, searched for all the conversational tips, but I still feel like I mess up every time I try to approach her. There she is, living in this perfect Garden of Eden, with that perfect boyfriend of hers. What’s his name? Adobe? Adar? Adam? I think that’s it. What a stupid name!

Honestly, what does she see in him? I’m just as good. Sure, I’m green and scaly, and he’s got this perfect olive skin that matches those big, brown eyes. But, I have character. Plus, doesn’t she find it a little creepy that she was made out of his ribs? I don’t know about you, diary, but that feels implicitly incestual to me.

I’ve tried to approach her, and tried to ask her out to hang out by the beautiful little pond with the lily pads. But every time I see her, skipping around, with all those curls and that wonderful smile, I melt. I choke up every time I want to talk to her.

How do people pick up women? I’ve been reading Cosmopolitan lately. I was reviewing a list that was titled, “10 Ways to Get a Girl to Notice You.” According to the article, girls like guys who verge on the “bad boy” side. I bet that’s what Adam is. He’s aloof and never really is conscious of anything he does. Maybe that’s why Eve is into him. Because he’s this mysterious dude that isn’t really in the moment.

Damn it. I’m just too much of a nice snake. The other day, I was eating a Milky Way bar, and threw the wrapper into a blueberry bush, and literally cried with the most guilt I had ever felt. I’m so much of a goody two shoes: I went to prep school growing up, a boarding school nearby, where I got an unbelievable GPA in incredibly high courses.

But I was never athletic enough. I was never attractive enough. My skin was too green, or my scales were uneven, or my tongue was too forked. Don’t we all have flaws? Shouldn’t we learn to love each other beyond looks, especially in such a paradise like Eden? I bet Eve was voted most beautiful in high school.

Here, I think I’m going to actively try to verge more on the dangerous side. I mean, there’s not so much that can go wrong. Hey, I think I’ll try to bump into her tomorrow. She always goes to bathe next to the fountain next to the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. She rinses her hair with lavender and herbal oils that I can smell from a mile away, so she’ll be easy to find.

Another interesting thing: So, I don’t know the main details, but apparently God told Adam and Eve not to touch the fruit on that tree. Man, what type of high would that fruit give that even God doesn’t want us to try it out? I mean, I never was really into drugs. I drank once at a party, and cried for three days after, but this is a new phase for me. If I want to be a bad boy, I need to take risks.

My plan tomorrow: Get her to take a ride on a wild side. I’ll encourage her to eat the fruit. Once she gets that rush, she’ll see how cool and nonchalant I am, and totally drop Adam for me! We could have little biracial children (half reptilian, half human, though I believe I had a great, great Native American ancestor). Man, I’m so excited.

Okay, diary. I’ll keep you updated on how it all goes. Catch you later! I’m sure, by this time tomorrow, I’ll have Eve wrapped around my little finger!

Love,

Serpent