Holiday Tracker: Yom Kippur

This week: Yom Kippur

Origin: 5777 years ago, God created the earth in seven days, and then buried dinosaur bones everywhere to screw with people. Now, we Jews celebrate this momentous occasion by not eating for a day. That’s such a great idea.

Does date of celebration change: It doesn’t in the Jewish calendar, but it does in the normal calendar. I’m just going to say “Yes”.

Reason it still exists: To celebrate the miracle of creation. Dear lord I’m hungry.

Gifts: Pizza. I would really like pizza.

Is it religious: You know, I don’t really have to do this. I don’t keep kosher or anything.

How to celebrate: I mean, why keep one pointless religious custom and not another? It wouldn’t hurt anyone if I just take a bite of pizza. Pizza.

People who dread it: Rabbi wouldn’t care. My Jewish friends wouldn’t care. My real friends wouldn’t care. I could just go to grill and get a slice of Pizza.

It’s easy to notice it’s Yom Kippur because…:  Or a sandwich. Or a burger. The Grill burgers aren’t the best, but they do taste pretty good. Their chicken fingers are also good, especially paired with fries. Oh, I do love fries. I don’t even need ketchup or anything.

What you’ll feel when it’s over: Is this a pizza which I see before me,

The crust toward my hand? Come, let me eat thee.

I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.

Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible

To taste as to sight? Or art thou but

A pizza of the mind, a false creation,

Proceeding from the food-oppressèd brain?

Canadian version: Crap. My mom’s going to kill me.