John Phillips is Rolling in His Grave
During the 2016 opening assembly Principal Lisa MacFarlane decided to not recite Phillips Exeter Academy’s Deed of Gift in its entirety for the second year in a row. The choice to refrain from reciting the whole document has not been cause for much controversy in recent years, but is now the subject of scrutiny.
“I never really thought about the Deed of Gift until PMac, who we all know is an Andover graduate, revealed that she wasn’t going to read it to us at assembly,” said student Michael Jackson. “Is she trying to hide something from us? Has Andover been plotting this for years? Is she a Phillipian plant?” After Jackson posted anonymously online about the suspicion, polls indicated a drop in MacFarlane’s trustworthiness ratings.
The Phillips Academy has not answered my texts and therefore has not commented.
Still, Exonians like senior Depe Chemode blame the lack of Deed of Gift on different factors. “It’s the dang liberals,” shouted Chemode. “I suppose that PMac has never officially told me that she’s a liberal, but she’s an English teacher and rides a bike around campus, which is pretty indicative.” Chemode has been against PEA’s education system for years. “They say it’s like a liberal arts education, but why not a conservative arts education? Speech is being stifled and not being able to listen to all those land grants is proof.”
According to the local morgue specialist, Anthony Kiedis, the neglect of the Deed of Gift is a matter of life and death. “John Phillips is going to come after us all,” Kiedis stated while packing a few pairs of pants and holy water. “We’re all doomed.” Kiedis explained that much like the legend that states that grave robbing places a curse on the robber, those who do not oblige the wishes of people both dead and named John are subject to receiving a visit from the wronged John. “The only thing you can do is hide and wait for him to arrive.” Kiedis has been missing for three days. If you see him, forget that you saw him.
Due to resulting uproar, the humor section of The Exonian will be creating a new and improved Deed of Gift to appease the masses. If you would like a say in who gets what clump of trees in the woods, tell us after submitting an article at exonianhumor@gmail.com.