How to Get in Shape

As a (once) starting member of Exeter’s esteemed (junior) varsity basketball team, I know a thing or two about the fine art that is exercising. (I only failed middle school gym class twice.) And so to get you out of the winter blues, I’m going to tell you exactly how to get just as ripped as I am.

Step one: Get inside the gym. Penetrate the gym’s thick, grey walls. Getting yourself to actually step inside the building may be the hardest part, since it involves leaving your dorm room even though it’s cold outside. But this is a vital step. (Unless, of course, you decide to show up to dorm Zumba.)

Step two: Advance to the weight room and sit your plushy bottom on a torture device of your choice. I recommend the one where you clench your thighs. Make sure to pick one with a good view of whatever handsome meat cakes are working out that day.

Step three: Turn the machine on. At first try to figure out how the heck the settings work, but then give up and just hit the “quick start” button.

Step four: Move your body. Make sure you perspire exactly one drop of sweat and then promptly stop moving your body.

Step five: Take a water break. You deserve it.

Step six: Re-enter the weight room. Locate a machine you know you can confidently use and call upon one of those cute varsity athletes to “teach” you how to use it.

Step seven: Pretend like you don’t know what you are doing until your male friend offers you some advice.  Then, suddenly funnel a surge of energy and act like his help has transformed you into an Olympic athlete. Pedal/run/curl as hard as you can.

Step eight: Take another water break. Use this resting period to obtain your athletic friend's number. Say that you will contact them if you need tips to “get moving.”

Step nine: Leave the gym feeling proud of yourself.