No More Dances
In a shocking turn of events this week, student activities has announced that Phillips Exeter Academy will no longer be able to host dances. The trouble started this Saturday at a little get together called “Bancroft Bash” The dance started off innocently enough, with students arriving periodically and dancing to the warm up music. “It was only a couple of people,” said one Bancroft upper, “it hadn’t hit 9 PM yet.” At Exeter, it is a common custom to be “fashionably late,” and show up almost an hour late. But as the sun started going down, tensions started going up. As posses started to arrive in full force around 9:15, some chaperones noticed something disturbing. “They weren’t wearing enough clothes,” said one scarred faculty member, “and they weren’t even dancing.” It seemed that, instead of family favorites like the Funky Chicken, the Running Man, the Shopping Cart, and the Moonwalk, kids were standing around and bobbing absentmindedly.
The semi-cultish behavior only got more disturbing as the crowd expanded. “We started to notice more modern songs coming on,” noted the chaperone. As Jason Derulo came through the DJ’s speakers, the crowd began to chant in unison, speaking in strange expressions that no one in attendance truly understood. Many adults recalled that the only phrase they could decipher was something about a “booty that didn’t require an explanation.” But things didn’t stop there-- as the music continued, something threw the mob of students into a frenzy.
“We noticed another shift in mood,” our chaperone recalled, “things started to get crazy.” The students engaged in a plethora of incredibly strange behavior, ranging from an act not fit for decent society colloquially referred to as “grinding,” to the large post-graduates pushing the entire crowd, causing many minor injuries and damage to property. “They broke my frickin’ heel,” one outraged lower complained. As of yet, no charges have been pressed.
The event has prompted a unanimous decision by the faculty. “We felt like the only possible option was to ban grinding and provocative clothing,” said one student activities representative, “but after talking to Andover’s Student Activities office, we’ve decided that wasn’t enough.” After a short deliberation, the Student Activities office decided that a permanent ban was the only reasonable solution.