Conspiracy of the Week
A ferry sinks off the coast of South Korea. There’s yet another shooting at Fort Hood. The country is in a state of mourning. Yet no one here knows. President’s Day, Mardi Gras and Palm Sunday all come and go. These holidays go unobserved on campus, with only a blip on your laptop’s iCalendar to maybe remind you of them. Why could this be? For us, “Exeter Bubble” has become a household (or since we don’t have homes, dormhold) word. But why does it exist? Is it because us teenagers are unable to check the news on the handhold devices that are practically attached to our bodies? Is it because we are all cold and elitist and don’t care about what is happening around us? Is it because we are too focused on how to get that lock on the Lindt dumpster open again? Well, my dear avid readers who are sticking with me through this, Humor has a theory for you. After enlisting the help of all the science clubs on campus, we have narrowed down the source of the Exeter Bubble to be global warming -- take that, Republicans!
Increased levels of greenhouse gases caused by stimulated soil microbe activity and extra cow farts have begun to shift world weather patterns. With Exeter temperatures skyrocketing at a increasing rate of .000000001 degrees a year, global warming is really taking a toll on our community. I mean, look at that snow we got yesterday? We’ve discovered that the shift in climate activity causes instructors to change their curriculum based off of new material published by researchers. As for all of the non-science departments, another nugget of news plays a key role. Scientists at Harvard Medical School have discovered that, surprisingly, as humans age they become more curious. Therefore, it is safe to assume that with the rise in temperature, curious aging faculty are starting to explore the outside world more and more. A recent survey suggests, however, that the number one thing that spoils nature for adults is teenagers. Especially those that talk. To be able to explore this new world without being interrupted by a babbling youth, the adults who have power over the teenagers (a.k.a. teachers, not parents) load them up with arduous, unnecessary tasks otherwise known collectively as homework.
As we all know, homework, especially work requiring immense amount of focus, causes a boost of adrenaline, and therefore sweat. A new compound has been found in teen sweat caused by stress. When evaporated off of the skin, the compound creates a sort of protective layer around the being, and when colonies of these primates live in a habitat together, otherwise known as a dorm, this bubble forms around them as a community.
Well, there you have it folks. Straight from Humor, you heard it first. But seriously guys, invest in a news app and know what’s going on the world, because we clearly don't.