Raving Assemblies

Exeter, I have a confession to make. I’ve been naughty. Last week, I (oops) didn’t go to assembly, but I instead learned some interesting things about the Exeter community... here’s my story.This past week, before blizzard (insert unnecessary storm name here) hit, I was strolling by Dunbar at around 10 o’clock in the morning, dreaming of warm weather and quad tanning. Looking around, I sense something is off, and then it suddenly hits me. South Side is eerily quiet - not a single student is walking or riding tiny bicycles on the dry paths (oh how I miss them). Quickly I snatch my iPhone and fumble with Csserver to check the schedule. “Curses!” I say out loud to myself, “I’m missing Assembly! Rats!” On the verge of tears, I frantically look around, and then break out into a full on sprint towards my dorm. Smashing my Lion Card against the scanner, I hustle to my room, lock the door, and shut off the lights, hoping to not be heard or spotted by dorm fac.After hopping onto my bed and opening my English book, I hear a strange noise coming from the quad, and curious, I walk over to my window and peer outside. On the Wentworth benches sits a posse of young teachers and interns listening to loud music emanating from a stereo. One of the women reaches into her pocket, pulls out some lip balm, and starts to Beez, with several other faculty following suit. They all nod their heads to the beat of a fast techno song, but soon one of the men gets up from his bench, walks over to the stereo and switches the music to some classic Lil’ Jon. Soon, a small mosh pit forms, and I watch with wide eyes as my math teacher goes completely Jersey Shore, fist bumping and jumping to the beat.When the song hits the chorus for the third or so time, a Campus Safety vehicle pulls out from beside Wentworth. Expecting some officers to hop out and shut down their party, I am surprised to see the car suddenly rev up and race out off the path and onto the center of the quad. Wheels screeching on the icy grass, Campus Safety takes a sharp left, and pulling back, starts to do donuts right there on the quad. Spinning round and round, with each circle seeming to get a little tighter, the faculty scream and cheer the car on until it spins out, narrowly missing a tree.I laugh out of nervousness, covering my mouth when I hear my voice echo across the quad. “Hey you!” one of them yells, pointing an obvious finger in my direction. I duck under my window sill hoping to avoid being seen, but within a minute, someone raps on my door with a tone of composed authority. Barging into my room, the teacher apprehends me, forcing my arms behind my back and zip tying my hands behind my back. They then force me out of the dorm, and within moments I am before the looming faces of Cosgrove and Mishke, trying to explain why I chose to forgo that particular *required* appointment. It was at that moment that I realized that the administration did not really care whether I attended assembly and listened to their speaker or not. Assembly is a required appointment that we go to and that no one ever dicks not because it’s a twice weekly event where the student body comes together to broaden their horizons, but because the faculty and staff need a half hour to kick back and chill without the harsh judgement and double standards imposed by students. The more you dick, the more you know.