Water Machines Actually Working

This story that has been so dear to us for so long has now taken a turn for the worse. After relentless protests and public outrage from the student body, dining hall officials have chosen to increase the speed of the water dispenser, making it release water at record velocity, nearly half the speeds of the other fluids. This controversial action has sparked much debate among the administration and the Exeter community.

Among the supporters of the acceleration of the machine was an important member of the faculty, who chose to stay anonymous for safety reasons.

"I understand this topic is heated. In fact, prior to the fix, I had received numerous threats from students dicking assembly and trashing the soccer field. But this has actually all just been a misunderstanding. Several water machines malfunctioned a while ago and now we recently discovered it. We felt it was our duty as administrators to fix this problem."

However, many faculty members and students have rejected that statement. One member of the Environmental Action Committee said, "This is no coincidence. It is just a ploy from those evil fat cat water company executives who want more of their products to be dispensed at our school. They probably even paid off half the faculty. It is not right what they are doing." In retaliation to the decision, the Environmental Action Committee has started a campaign for the school to divest from water companies, like Poland Spring and Aquafina, as well as any company that uses water in any way.

Numerous candidates seeking a position on the Executive Board dodged the issue and noted, "If you vote for me, I will reform V’s."

Many were concerned about the implications of the school’s interest in student’s voices and in Exeter customs. One student suspected, "Not only did they ignore what we had to say, but they removed a tradition of Exeter that has been around for so many years. Once they have done this, why stop there? What will they do next? Give us more vacation? Give us fewer Saturday classes? This rampage of breaking traditions simply has to stop."

Indeed, like so many have said, this has to stop. Reports have already surfaced that the machines will be fixed in the coming days. Numerous protests and sit-ins have already been organized to keep out change and to keep our water machines slow.