A Letter to America: Suggestions for Earth Day

Dear America:I, Henry Stevens, a true American Republican, am going to prove to you that this “Earth Day” and “global climate change” business is a bunch of liberal excrement and a waste of money. This money could be spent on more important things, like an upgrade to my enormous Hummer, or a pistol for my 5 year old grandson.How do I know global climate change is a myth created by the Prius brethren? It doesn't matter how I know. I just do. All those scientific discoveries and experiments that clearly show global climate change is indeed real are all bologna. Global climate change is a conspiracy. That's right folks. A CONSPIRACY. The tree-hugger scientists formulated false evidence that supported this so-called global warming and blamed the humans for it. Frightened and desperate to solve this “problem,” the people and the government poured millions of dollars into funding for more research and aid programs to try and reduce the carbon footprint. But they didn't know something that the Republicans know: the scientists who invented global warming are actually members of Al Qaeda. That's right folks. All the money people are spending to help the environment is actually being transferred into the hands of Al Qaeda, which they are using to build massive nuclear weapons in order to destroy America. Why do you think Obama is spending so much money on environmental issues? Because he's part of Al Qaeda.If that didn't convince you, then you're ignorant. But as a good Republican, I'll provide more evidence so even the ignorant understand. As many of you know, God created the earth. I root for Notre Dame, which means I'm Catholic, and as a dedicated Catholic I can assure you that God is responsible for everything and He knows all. So, when the global climate change conspiracy arose, my fellow Republicans and I investigated the Bible to find out what the truth is. My good friend Senator James Inhofe found the answer in Genesis 8:22. It doesn't matter what exactly that section said, all that matters is the proven fact that even God knows global warming is a myth. And He created the earth, so he obviously knows how it works. How do the tree-huggers and their conspiracy sound now?I've provided the facts, America. Now all you need to do is change the world. Do we keep spending money on nothing, or do we end it all now, and turn America around? If you still believe in Earth Day, then you are blatantly supporting Al Qaeda.